So, are you BLU?

Eat your dessert first.

While that may be music to the ears of the young at heart, those of us in the know realize the ramifications of spoiling our appetite. Yet when it comes to sex, the same folks who know better don't necessarily do better, opting to go straight for the goodies. In true form, the eyes are bigger than the gut 
instinct.

30 year-old Margot* sees it as being all about the connection. "Sex right away can be a definite boost of excitement," says the Miami-based healing arts specialist. "With my current lover, it was love at first sight. Getting to know someone can happen very quickly, and in my case, she and I dove right in to a physical connection that has evolved into a mental and emotional bond."

As far as thinking women hold a standard rule of restraint, Margot disagrees. "I have dated both men and women, and I really don't see a difference. As long as two people are on the same page, there shouldn't be a reason to have a set time frame. Just know with the physical involvement comes responsibility.”

Author Bella DePaulo, Ph.D. (Visiting Professor of Psychology at the University of California, Santa Barbara) wrote the book, Singled Out: How Singles Are Stereotyped, Stigmatized, and Ignored, and Still Live Happily Ever After. Her book expounds on the very subject within her list of “Ten Myths About Singles.”

“There is another point that often gets short shrift in our culture that is so preoccupied with sex," says DePaulo.

“There are people for whom sex really is not all that important. That doesn't mean there is anything wrong with them. Many of them care about intimacy, but that intimacy does not have to be physical." 

"Among some people with certain religious beliefs, it is not old-fashioned at all to wait to have sex; it is the right thing to do," DePualo continues. "Among others, it is considered old-fashioned to wait until marriage. With people generally marrying at later ages than ever before (if they do marry), there can be many years between the teen years and marriage."

The dilemma for many singles may be in gambling on the risk of quality over quantity; years of giving into the lust of new relationships, only to reflect back to see that sexual attraction was the common denominator for most of them. And after a life of hookups and flings, does the view of a long-lasting relationship (i.e. marriage) become blurred?

Marriage may not be the goal for Fashion Photographer Jonathan D. Orozco right now, but in his dating experiences, he has felt the sting of ulterior motives.

"Not to be touted as someone who is looking to just sleep around, I have been surprised in the past to find out that I was used," says the 32-year-old Atlanta resident. 

"Yes, it happens to guys too...what a pity right? There have been a couple times that I really liked the girl and I was just being used as a boy toy. Lesson learned? Women and men are a lot alike...both have wants and needs. Sometimes you are on the same page and other times you are chapters apart." 

Orozco does see the means to an end in dating. Chalking up his boy toy experiences as water under the bridge, he has moved forward in anticipation of two simple factors which set the tone for a newbie relationship: the first kiss and body language.

"I believe this [the first kiss] is a magical moment. You never know what is going through the other person's mind. You are in reaction mode but want to make sure that that reaction is the right one. In the moment, so much goes on within seconds of touching lips that once you sort through all the ‘what ifs,’ by the time you know it you are moving in closer and now kissing. Here is where I take note of; is it passionate? Is it just okay? Or does it need improvement? Quick note: There is no such thing as a bad kisser. Both of you are just not compatible smoochers. Enough said," explains the creator of the website AskJonathanOnline.com.

When it comes to body language, Orozco says it starts with the eyes.

"If her eyes are bigger and wider than normal and she just can't take them off of you, if she is in any way trying to put her body close to or onto yours, she touches you more than usual, she draws more of your attention in crowds, she plain out tells you that she wants you- that’s your sign.”

There are more, but this is not a "How to Read Signs" article right?" he jokes.

Orozco summarizes his methods in tried-and-true form. "Thus, we have the second date being more kissing and maybe some light petting. The third [date], more of the same and you just might get lucky but don't push it...take note of the body language she is giving you...remember we can't read minds but some of us are receptive to body language. 

Orozco gives this advice to men. "Pay attention to what a woman is telling you verbally and physically...you might be missing the signal to run the bases. Love is not a two way street. It is a one way in which two people travel at the same time and speed to get to the same goal together," he concludes.

Whether it's at first glance, the second date, or after the main course, sex too soon can ruin more than just your appetite; it can be doom a budding relationship.

"I usually advise people to wait a bit," notes Dr. Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D. (aka "Dr. Romance"), psychotherapist and author of Money, Sex and Kids: Stop Fighting about the Three Things That Can Ruin Your Marriage and The Unofficial Guide to Dating Again. "Sexual attraction won't go away if you get to know each other (if it does, then it was pretty insubstantial to begin with). The suspense of abstaining can really up the intensity of sex when it finally does happen," she states. "And, you have the chance to bond, to develop the infrastructure you'll need if you want a serious relationship. If you eliminate the mystery too soon, you may also eliminate any future for this relationship."

The question then arises; what are the foolproof signs to confirm a relationship is ready for sex? 

"If you have been dating for a while, and have had a chance to bond a little, if the interest feels mutual and not one-sided, if you survived a disagreement and worked it out, if you feel mutual respect and caring, then you probably have enough foundation to take the risk of being sexual," Dr. Tessina advises.

Those admitting to having a sweet tooth will agree that this guilty pleasure was developed in childhood. Sex, on the other hand, can just as easily be remembered by most as a habit induced and introduced in their teen years.

"What both women and men often fail to understand when they have sex early is that they may not feel the same way about it looking back as they do at the time," informs Depaulo. What I mean by "early" is in the teenage years, especially before age 18. Lots of men and women have sex in their teens, but in one study, 70% of people looking back said that they now think they were too young. Their reservation is not so much moral as psychological. They think they were not emotionally ready to have sex. It is not just the women who say this," she continues.

22-year-old Nathalia of West Palm Beach, FL is one of those young at heart-turned-wise-old-soul. "At age 16, I thought sex was something special shared with the one you truly loved," says the interior decorator. 

"But by age 18, I thought it was okay to have sex just for fun. But now at age 22, I think it's something sacred. You should definitely be friends first, get to know one another and grow some type of connection other than sexual chemistry."

Mike of New York couldn't disagree more. "I think a lot of people have moved past this old-fashioned idea of courtship, where you go on dates to get to know one another and sex is the endpoint," says the 32-year-old graphic designer. 

"To me, sex is the beginning, and afterwards as time passes you find out whether your relationship works.”

But lest you think all men want only one thing, Orozco does practice the art of restraint, albeit calculated.

"If I am serious about a dating relationship, then I would expect to wait at least three dates. This normally translates into three weeks for me since dating is usually left to the weekends. During this period of time there is a lot of communication via email, texting, IM, etc. Again, listening to what she is saying will give you an idea of when the appropriate time will come," he admits.

Orozco goes on to say, "Too soon would be when you are not listening to her signals and you think you can just jump the gun and go for it all. This usually leads to a slap in the face, a cold bed, and a reputation as ‘...all he wanted was sex!’ Lesson learned? 'Easy, tiger.'"

“When you decide to become intimate is an important choice, because it sets the tone of your relationship," states Dr. Tessina. "Becoming intimate right away tends to eliminate the possibility of getting to know each other -- you're then focused on sex; a man may assume you're just one-night-stand material; and lust overtakes your interest in getting to know each other in any other way. Waiting a while, at least several dates, before becoming intimate gives you a chance to form some of the infrastructure of a relationship: how to talk intimately with each other, a chance to learn your difference in styles, and how that will work together, an interest in each other that is more than just physical and immediate. Also, if you fall in love easily, you are asking to get your heart broken by having sex before you determine if your partner is truly a quality person and interested in a relationship," Dr. Tessina concludes. 

Orozco offers this advice to females. "Some of us really do like you and want more from a relationship...those are the keepers and you will know it. All the rest are just batting their eyes, agreeing with you, and telling you how beautiful you are in hopes to convince you that they are into you enough to actually commit to the sheets. Again, there are some great guys out there. Be smart and use protection," he cautions.

The influence of the Sex and the City, we-date-like-men phenoms have literally kicked the Pollyanna, good-girls-don't-put-out theory to the curb. Even so, the disconnect between emotions and instant gratification is few and far between.

"What seems to matter to women is not so much the amount of time they have been with their partner, but whether they feel close to that person," says Depaulo. 

From the man's point of view, don't be fooled. They, too, are aware that at the end of the day, emotions trump motions. "No matter how good in bed you both are, in the long run, it's the communication that will make any relationship last," states Orozco.

A sentiment echoed by Dr. Tessina. "Most men are very sexual creatures and focused on the hunt, and getting what they want. Women have veto power, and also the power to be seductive and transmit non-verbal cues to let him know the time is right. On the other hand, if he's not interested, there's only so much you can do -- the chemistry just may not be there."

The icing on the cake may be enticing to all, but in the long run, the woman still decides when dessert will be served.

*Fictional name