Gentlemen's Clubs:
Not Just for the Boys, Anymore?
By Helene Golombek
Spring 2007

Gentlemen’s clubs, strip clubs, cabarets, topless bars, show clubs, Bada Bing! To many women, these words conjure up the worst possible images – lascivious dens of mostly naked women gyrating for dollars, meat markets where any sexual act can be bought for the right price. But, is that really the case? Are these clubs so scandalous, dirty and perverse, or are they simply pseudo-theatrical venues wherein many women are finding solace after a long week at the office, or visually seductive foreplay as part of a monogamous relationship?

Whatever the reason, more and more women are finding their way into gentlemen’s clubs and, quite often, they go without their men. Perhaps mainstream values are changing, in this time when celebrities are sometimes made not exclusively by talent but also by an ability to make headlines. As such, media-watchers are becoming desensitized to actions that once were considered scandalous, but are now thought of as mere accidental exposure of a very mortal person’s private life. More often than not these headlines refer to some sort of sexual exploit: a breast that popped out at an opportune time, an explicit bedroom video, or a steamy kiss caught by the paparazzi. Would Paris Hilton be on anyone’s radar if her infamous sex tape had not forged her way into the mainstream consciousness? 

Watch almost any video on MTV and you will see nearly the same amount of flesh that you would see in a typical topless bar. The lyrics to top songs with radio airplay speak of freakiness, kink and sexual activity as naturally as one used to mention being “sweet sixteen.” Women are bombarded with images of sexuality at every turn – on billboards, magazine covers, in print, on television and Internet ads. Even advertisements in women’s magazines show females (and to a lesser degree, men) in provocative poses, sometimes naked, pouting at the camera. Yes, one might say that women have become desensitized, but is that really giving the “softer sex” enough credit? Could it really just be that women are admirers of beauty, and just like men, we find the female form attractive, even arousing?

Since the sexual revolution of the 1960’s, women have had the luxury of being more fluid with their sexuality than men. With the growing culture of overt sexuality, it is only natural that those things that were once eschewed by “polite” society are now becoming the norm. There are DVDs that will teach you to striptease, lap dance and pole dance like a pro, right in the comfort of your own home. If that does not do it for you, lap dancing and strip tease classes are offered at gyms across the country. You, too, can easily buy and install a stripper’s pole in your bedroom.

It would be easy to dismiss the trend of women visiting gentlemen’s clubs as just another way of showing how far back women seem to be willing to push the feminist movement. But that is not necessarily the case. Women use gentlemen’s clubs as a way to learn how to express and explore their own sexuality. And, according to therapists, women visiting these clubs can actually learn quite a bit about themselves and their sexual triggers, while learning what to do to turn men on at the same time. 

Gentlemen’s clubs offer an atmosphere in which women can unabashedly share a sensual experience with their partner, whether it is a partner for the night, a month or a long-term relationship. In fact, according to Arlene Goldman, PhD, a licensed psychologist and sex therapist, and co-author of the book Secrets of Sexual Ecstasy, gentlemen’s clubs bring novelty to sexual interactions that otherwise have the potential to become staid. It offers couples the chance to play with ideas they might not be able, or willing to, really act on. “Visiting a gentlemen’s club is a safe way of playing with the idea of a third person in the relationship,” she says. Women may find themselves aroused after leaving a club, not necessarily because of the women that they have seen, but because of the environment itself. It can be fun to take this arousal home and put it to use with a willing partner.

It is not only women in relationships who can benefit from a visit to a bar noir. In that setting, women are offered a chance to explore their own sexuality, while becoming empowered to use that sexuality, as well. While this may go against what a lot of women think gentlemen’s clubs offer, consider evidence in support of the theory. Club dancers on stage are practiced in the art of seduction and use their sexuality to get what they want. Successful visual seduction is the key to heightening of a dancer’s income. There is a reason the strippers on stage play to the crowd, lean into the pole in specific ways, connect with the audience the way they do. Each action is proven to have worked for dancers before them, for years, as men (and now women) have thrown money on the stage in response to the showgirl’s movements. Most female patrons are not going to be empowered to run out and buy pasties and 6-inch heels to wear to the office, but they can learn how to move their bodies in a way to which men react. In gaining positive response in using what they have learned, women are naturally going to feel more confident and in control. As a matter of fact, many women who visit gentlemen’s clubs do so for the explicit reason of learning how to turn men on, how to move and be seen as a sensual being.

Like the golf course, men have been taking potential business associates to men’s clubs to loosen prospects to the point of actively considering a pitch or deal. Often, board rooms do not offer a setting conducive to forging a bond with potential clients, partners or sponsors. Given the overall experience and relaxed atmosphere of a topless bar, many a business relationship has been solidified while also considering the female form, cocktails and the exhilarating feeling that one is sharing in a male experience with a like-minded buddy. 

Some women have also been empowered to utilize upscale strip clubs as a setting for negotiating tough business deals. Emily, a 36 year-old business consultant from Philadelphia, admitted, “The first time I went to a topless bar with a potential client, it was not my idea. It was the late 1990’s, when few women spoke of even stepping into a men’s club, much less considered going into one for a contract negotiation. But, in agreeing to go, I felt a certain strength and advantage within my deal, as the three men truly expected me to flinch at the idea. 

“Before the suggestion had been made, I could see the guys were distracted and not into listening to a traditional pitch. As we walked into the club, I could sense that the clients were actually feeding off of the attention generated by having me with them. Almost every man in the room turned to see who these guys were, who were bringing the girl into their domain. I think it made the clients feel important. As I bought a round of drinks and slipped some cash into the g-string of a dancer for one of the men, I didn’t have to initiate any conversations about business. One of the guys jumped right in and started negotiations toward a signature. By the end of the evening, I had the deal and fully retained my dignity. I even gained a certain unexpected boost of esteem, both in their eyes and my own.”

On a more basic level, gentlemen’s clubs give women the opportunity to look at other women’s bodies. For the most part, even heterosexual women enjoy looking at other women! And from experience I can tell you it’s not fun to be caught looking at another woman in the gym locker room. But at the club, the women are on stage, mingling with the crowd and they know that the audience is there to see them, enjoy the moment and even learn from the overall experience. Dancers typically do not consider a female patron twice (except maybe to wink knowingly), if they catch us looking at them. 

Another reason women visit gentlemen’s clubs is to better understand the allure of such places to men. This is an especially strong motivator for women who have, or have had, partners who visit these types of clubs regularly. As one woman told me, she has visited clubs in the past to prove to herself that “all the women who work there are sluts!” Maybe this makes her feel better about herself in some way, or makes her able to dismiss her partner’s behavior when he wants to go. “He wouldn’t want to be with one of those women,” she tells herself, “because they’re not good in the way I’m good.” 

While some women may feel this way, others go because it helps demystify for them what really happens there. This is actually a healthy approach, and one that was voiced by several women with whom I spoke. Many men enjoy spending time at gentlemen’s clubs, and there are a number of women who feel, that if their partner is going to be there, then they will be there with them. 

Strip emporiums also offer men and women “the opportunity to communicate with one another about what turns them on in a way that is not personal,” according to Caroline Robbey, MSW, LCSW, CAS. Being able to talk about what arouses you is important in a relationship and can lead to greater intimacy. Many couples have problems with this, and anything that can help open the lines of communication is something that should be explored.

So let’s say that you, as a woman, have decided to try going to such a club. Or, as a man, your lady has agreed to go. You get a group of friends together, both sexes or not, and hit one of the local gentlemen’s clubs. There are a few things to keep in mind before you walk in the front door:

First, there are different “classes” of gentlemen’s clubs and they can differ in areas such as the type of women who work there, the cleanliness of the club and just how naked the women get. Based on my experience, most women prefer cleaner clubs, where the women are attractive and, most importantly, not completely naked. These are the clubs that do not have the reputation of excessive “Champagne Court” behavior. 

Seemingly as important is what the women are wearing, and how interactive they are with the audience. In one club I visited, there was no nudity, except for maybe when men went back for a lap dance. Since I did not get such a private dance, I cannot be sure. But it was disconcerting to me to see the women walk up to men, rub their backs for a second and then hold their g-strings in a way that let the men know they were expecting money just for having talked to them. Equally as disconcerting was the number of men who felt it was their job to rub the girls’ backsides as vigorously as I would rub a stain I was trying to remove from my carpet. While other clubs may have offered more nudity, there seemed to be more boundaries in place – and more women in attendance.

Cleanliness is especially important to me when visiting a gentlemen’s club. Why would I want to spend my time – and my money – at a club that does not respect its dancers or patrons enough to keep to certain standards of cleanliness? Let’s face it, no matter what you think of them, there’s a degree of tawdriness associated with these types of venues. It is in the club owners’ best interest to keep the areas the patrons visit as clean as possible, so one does not have to wonder about what could be on the floors, chairs or in the dark corners (think seedy “adult” movie theatres).

Most gentlemen’s clubs are not the dens of iniquity that a lot of women think them to be. Although it sounds like a paradox, gentlemen’s clubs just may be the thing that some women need to ratchet up their confidence level. Again almost paradoxically, a club may also help bring greater intimacy into a relationship. 

Finally, men must respect the comfort level of the lady with whom they attend such a place, and women must respect both each other and the dancers. One must admit that, while women may find each other attractive, there is a fine line between viewing a woman as beautiful or sensual and the other extreme of exploiting a female. For example, young women have been known to exploitatively cheer each other on to bare it all for professional cameras, such as the Girls Gone Wild videos, alongside the same encouragement by men. Although both sexes may currently consider what was once “edgy” as more mainstream, there is no excuse for pressuring someone into overt behavior, whether in general interaction, for visiting a men’s club, or performing in one. 

Sitting at home and discussing visiting a gentlemen’s club with someone – a significant other, a platonic friend, a group – is a different experience than actually visiting such a bar. Once actually within the club setting, there may be feelings of jealousy, inadequacy, or just plain discomfort. It is important to acknowledge these feelings and leave if that is what you really want to do. Among the many good reasons there are to visit a gentlemen’s club, being coerced in to it is not one of them. So if you’re not feeling it, or the lady you are with seems uncomfortable, get out! If the person, or people, you are with do not agree with your decision, make sure you have the means to get yourself home.

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