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Cyberspace Courtship:
Is Internet Dating Addictive?
By Kimberly Toms
Spring 2007

40 year-old Robert sat at Melinda’s computer desk for an hour and a half after she had slipped into a black lace negligee and sauntered over to show him that she was feeling amorous. She had initially thought he would come to join her in bed after another five or ten minutes, as he said he would, but after a couple of additional prompts and his third answer of “I’ll be right there,” 36 year-old Melinda decided to give up and send him a clear message by changing into flannel pajamas and going to sleep. 

Robert and Melinda had been dating for seven months, after meeting one another through one of the most well-known and reputable Internet dating sites. Melinda remembers, “After the first month of our relationship, I ‘shut down’ my profile, so we could enjoy our time together and I could get to know him one on one, without the constant distraction of emails from other men. Plus, I thought it was a kind of cyber-infidelity for me to leave my profile, advertising me as available, up on the web for everyone to see. Robert wanted to be exclusive, so exclusive I was.”

Robert, on the other hand, kept his profile both intact as “single/not in a relationship” and active, despite the longevity of their time together and insistence that he is happy in his relationship with her.

After seven months, Melinda said, “He still checks his emails from other women every day, several times a day. I hate it. It is like he is keeping himself occupied by me, yet still shopping for another girlfriend. He is virtually cheating on me with the other women’s profiles.” 

One would think that Melinda might give up on Robert and leave the relationship, but she defends her continuation with her boyfriend. “I have asked him about it repeatedly. I ask, ‘Why are you still on the site,’ and ‘You were online for six hours today. So what are you doing?’ To all of this, he simply says things like, ‘My friend at work uses
my profile for fun’ and ‘I wasn’t online. The computer system is wrong.’ It is extremely frustrating and I feel like I should leave him. The problem is that the rest of our relationship is fantastic. So, why leave?”

But, how fantastic can a relationship really be, if Melinda dons sexy lingerie and Robert would rather look at random profiles online than enjoy the woman who is right before him, in his bed? 

“I think he might be addicted to the thrill of the hunt and chase,” Melinda said with a slight frown. “In fact, I know he is. He is slightly insecure about himself, so I think this fluffs up his ego.”

Robert and Melinda are not unique. Magazine BLU conducted a short online survey in February 2007 regarding the subject. According to those results, 70% of the respondents aged 30-44 years believed that people can, indeed, find themselves obsessed with the online dating experience. Of the 30% who did not believe it is a possibility, males
were most likely to discount the potential, at a rate of 2:1.

Lisa J. Peck, Community Advocate, author of over a dozen award-winning books and creator of " The Redemptive Community" concept for combating violence and abuse, weighs in, “I absolutely believe Internet dating can be addictive.”

She continues, “The addict may feel a surge of power, as they log on and gain the interest of other parties. Characteristics of someone who is out of control are that other areas of their life are falling apart or suffering, and that they are more apt to experience most of the relationship online, versus a desire to be with a living, breathing human being.”

The general consensus from the BLU survey respondents seems to be that the biggest sign of a potential addiction is a constant desire to check one’s emails.

Karen, an attractive 41 year-old Philadelphian and online dater for two years, believes, “I think it is a problem when you see they are listed as ‘online now’ literally 15 minutes after dropping you off at your front door” after a date. Another indicator to Karen is “when guys do a traditional ‘cut and paste’ message in order to reach as many girls as possible. Sometimes, they send the same message to the same girl several times. Or, having your messages forwarded to your blackberry on the beach since you can’t live without the instant notification of a ‘wink’ is a bit ridiculous.”

According to Lisa Peck, there are several steps one may take to ensure a person of interest could possibly be open for an authentic relationship, versus one experiencing a search addiction or simply being a poor prospect:

• Ask your prospect about prior relationships, including why they broke up. If the prospect shifts all of the blame to the other individual, won’t answer the question at all, or doesn’t have relationships to report on, it is better to move on to another profile. It is possible that avoidance of these questions, or odd answers, reflect an inability to develop or maintain a balanced, healthy relationship.

• If emails are sent between prospective dates for weeks, even months on end, that may be a red flag that one of the parties does not have the desire or intention to meet. Lisa states, “Excessive emailing builds a fantasy. You should meet as soon as possible, definitely within the first couple of months, to avoid hurt feelings in the event the reality does not measure up.”

• If your prospect has falsified one item of information, including their age, they are very likely to be dishonest in other areas of their life and to you. According to Lisa, “Even lying about their age, although it is a small lie, indicates they are not comfortable with who they are. They probably have low self esteem, poor integrity and might not believe that people could be accepting of them, as they are.”

• Weed out emails from non-compatible people with values that differ from your own. This sounds simple, but if someone is seeking to meet you, but their interests and values do not seem to be similar to yours, they may be eager to meet the person in the photograph, not the person you are within.

• “In this day and age, it is actually important that daters conduct at least a quick Internet search for information about their prospect,” Lisa believes. Use Google or another search engine to verify that the person lives in the town they say they live in, are being honest about their work and have not committed major crimes.

Of the survey respondents, 10% said that they sometimes feel a growing addiction to the Internet relationship search, themselves. For most of these, the indicator is their increasing obsession over checking emails to see if a new potential target might have sent a message, as well as uneasiness when email is not accessible.

If you feel you are slipping into a potential obsession with your online dating process, Lisa says, “Make clear goals such as, ‘On Monday I will not use the Internet.’ Continue that until you are able to comfortably spend time away from your computer. Also, chart your dating site usage time, as compared to your time away. If you see a pattern of abuse, make the goal of combating the excessive usage.”

As in all subjects interlaced with a tone of negativity, at least one beacon of positive energy shines through. One such beacon is Ellen, a blonde, 40 year-old Philadelphian. When asked whether she believes people can become addicted to online dating, she promptly replied, “No. I just think people are addicted to love.”

Ms. Peck’s latest book, due out in April, is “Stop Marrying Mistakes: Using Principles to Claim a Healthy Relationship.” She co-authored with Kevin Skinner, PhD.

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