So, are you BLU?

Summer 2008 has us slipping on fashions with the aquatic names of “petrol” and “Olympian.”  So if blues are the new greys, is bitter the new black when it comes to a breakup?

Marcia of West Palm Beach, FL is wearing her emotional breakup on her sleeve, dipped in the hues of bittersweet memories.  In the fall of 2004, she met the love of her life while teaching English classes in Spain.  

“After partying nightly for a week straight, I was forced into being the third wheel to two couples one night, which I had to do since my girlfriend and I had made a pact not to separate,” says the 32-year-old executive assistant to a global investment firm.  “Not feeling well at all, I looked across the room and saw the most amazingly handsome man.  He caught my glance, and when we spoke, I was smitten,” she recalls fondly.  “He was like an instant prescription, because I immediately felt better.”

Ending her teaching gig did not end their involvement.  A one-year, long-distance relationship blossomed; along with the decision for Marcia to relocate to Spain once she secured her visa papers (and tied up loose ends in Chicago, where she resides). 

But as fate would have it, the visa papers took longer than expected, along with Marcia delaying the move six months to ensure a more stable financial situation. Those delays caused her Spanish lover to become impatient, and in January 2006, he broke off the relationship with a telephone call.

“He respected me wanting to get everything in order, but at the same time, he was ready for a relationship right then,” she recalls.  “As hard as that telephone call was, he was attentive to my feelings; refusing to hang up until every question I had was answered.  It was the longest, hardest conversation of my life.”

When asked if she has gotten over the breakup, Marcia has no hesitation in admitting her feelings.  “I don’t think I will ever get over him, because I feel I missed out on a great guy. A breakup is like a death - maybe not as harsh - but just as traumatic,” she states candidly.  While she did not ball up into a fetal position with a week’s worth of ice cream (“I forced myself to go on a date two weeks later”), Marcia realizes that time does heal all wounds.

That brings up the subject of climbing back up onto the saddle of dating. According to relationship journalist Lisa Steadman, author of the book, It’s a Breakup, Not a Breakdown, it can be an intricate balancing act.

“If you date too soon, you run the risk of rebounding and that just muddies your emotions further. Or, you run the risk of meeting someone amazing who you’re just not emotionally ready to get to know,” Steadman advises. “If you wait too long, you may start to develop fears and phobias about getting back out there that aren’t based in reality. That’s why it’s crucial to regularly check in with yourself to see how you’re feeling.”

Marcia did get to see her ex last December, while visiting friends in Spain.

“We went to dinner, at which time I poured my heart out to him in an attempt to rekindle what was lost.  But he let me know that he was too deep into his current relationship with a girl who was about to move in with him.  A girl he admittedly confessed to not being in love with,” she sighs.  “He had actually been in an argument with her right before he came to meet me for dinner.  The argument was about me.” 

Indeed, a breakup is a complicated web of emotions for both the dumper and dumpee.  But to say the one being dumped is the only one who hurts is painting with too broad a brush.  Yes, for the dumpee, the view of a breakup is often blindsighted, especially when coming from a person who once voiced their undying love for you.  But for the dumper, the guilt of knowing you are responsible for breaking someone’s heart is often at battle with the responsibility of ending a relationship that just wasn’t meant to be.   

For Mike Haro, his breakup came in shades of both black and blue, which his girlfriend sustained as the result of a head injury from a car accident.

“We moved out to California from Virginia to live together, and when she was involved in that car accident, her whole personality changed,” says the 43 year-old writer, now residing in Memphis, TN. “She decided to move back to Virginia at the request of her parents, and she told me she desired to attend college there.  But when I suggested I move back with her, she wouldn’t respond.”

His gut feeling also sensed there was another person in the picture.  

“I was working three jobs at time of her accident, so I never really had time to spend with her while she recovered in the hospital,” Haro regrets.  “I feel that had a lot to do with her shutting down on me.  But at the time, I had no choice.  I had to provide income for us.”

Feeling like he never received a heartfelt explanation, Haro stayed in California and turned his pain into poetic prose and music beats for 1½ years, until he happened upon his next love.

That indeed is the slippery slope of being dumped; not giving in to the knee-jerk reaction of a scorned lover.  Getting even should be left for the movie scenes (who didn’t cheer for Angela Basset’s character in Waiting to Exhale?).  But, when you are able to transform the emotional pain into a productive act (versus destructive) is when the defining moment of your character resonates.  Having said that, some use a breakup to make a dramatic revision in their personal lives.   Men tend to upgrade to reduced passenger seating - usually in the form of a drop-top roadster.  Women tend to change their hair color and/or style.  A select few may even change their minds (see boomerang sex), where, if not consensual, ends up being a whole different topic (see restraining order).

After her breakup, Michele Hickford was feeling the need for Sicilian, in the form of a 23-year-old model wannabe. And by leaving London, where her ex husband resides. 

“We’re still in touch (me and the ex, not the model),” says the writer, who authored the book, Do I Need To Slap You? How To Avoid Stupid Relationship Mistakes.

Hickford offers both comical and realistic advice on ending repetitive dating mistakes. She is currently happy in a dating relationship, but realizes the happiness didn’t come from the presence of another.

“I learned that I was absolutely responsible for my own happiness - that no one could make my happy, only happy-ER. I realized that I was mourning the Dream, not the Reality - as I say in my book, often that’s what makes us sad when relationships end. It’s the loss of the Dream (of happily ever after) because the Reality was pretty crappy, or we wouldn’t be breaking up in the first place.”

Speaking of reality, while most of our breakups are not played out on the unrealistic sets of reality TV -which uses the poetic license of editing for more dramatic segments - we still may feel like the whole world is laughing, judging, and aware of the demise of the relationship.  But in reality, the pain of the breakup is often magnified by the shame. 

Kitty* of Los Angeles, CA found herself dumped after a three-year relationship. 

“The breakup was mutual because it turned into a long distance relationship (when I moved to LA). It was hard to keep up ... but in the end, I was the one who got dumped.”

In terms of recovering, Kitty bounced back easily. It wasn’t that hard to get over because it had been such a long time since I saw him (long distance thing),” says the 27-year-old Community Manager for Fashion & Beauty for ThisNext.com. 

“But it was hard to get over being able to talk to someone everyday about everything. I leaned on my girlfriends a lot and just made sure I was out on the town - a lot. I also talked about the breakup to people and on the web (Product Therapy-The Single Life),” Kitty states.

Having a support system is highly recommended by Steadman. “If you feel stuck, ask a friend for help getting you back on the dating scene. Go out with your single gal pals and just have fun. There’s safety and strength in numbers.”

“One of the greatest challenges of re-entering the dating world following a breakup is that we have a tendency to compare the person we’re on a date with to our ex,” Steadman continues. “And no matter how wrong for us our ex was while we were with them, suddenly the bad disappears and we only remember the good. That’s why it’s so important for us to be conscious of this habit and turn down the volume on those comparisons. They’re incredibly sabotaging.” 

Although statistics are unclear on the average length of time the standard dating relationship (i.e. heterosexual couple in a monogamous commitment) lasts, in the Denver Family Development Study, couples dated on an average of 32 months prior to marriage.  This study, conducted by Dr. Howard J. Markman (professor of psychology at the University of Denver), involved 100 couples planning first-time marriages, who were followed from its inception in 1980 for over a time span of 13 years.  

Internet dating relationships, on the other hand, last an average of seven months, according to a study by Dr. Jeff Gavin of the University of Bath’s Psychology Department (UK February 14, 2005 Press Release).   Statistics for LDRs (long-distance relationships) report that of dating relationships, an estimated 1 in 7 (14%) were long-distance, and 3.5 million dating couples are involved in long-distance dating relationships (The Center for the Study of Long Distance Relationships, A Division of JF Milne Publications.)

Even though his attempt to create a long distance relationship was rejected, Haro does see the silver lining from his breakup.  “If you feel like your breakup has you going downhill real fast, it’s because you need speed to get a bigger hill.  And always remember, if you’re about love, don’t give up on love,” he advises.

For Gomez, she reflects upon her breakup experience by comparing it to the movie Evening, starring the stellar cast of Vanessa Redgrave, Meryl Streep, Toni Collette and Claire Danes.  In the movie, the daughters of an elderly woman are surprised to find out about their mother’s secret.   From her deathbed, the dying woman calls out for the man she loved more than any other from some fifty years ago, yet never pursued.

“Knowing that I did all I could do, I’ll try to make it (love) work here in the states,” she confirms.

Kitty took the high road in terms of keeping the lines of communication open. 

“I am still friends with my ex, we talk online every now and again,” Kitty confesses. “When something is funny I still call him and we talk on holidays to wish each other a Merry Christmas and all that jazz.”

Experiencing breakup blues is a life-shattering experience for both the dumper and dumpee.  Whatever your position is in the matter, the correct timeframe for getting over it is never in black and white.  Like death, there will be phases in experiencing the breakup process: shock, denial, sorrow, anger, pain, and finally, acceptance. The key is to not remain stuck in any one phase prior to acceptance.  The end of a relationship can, however, open up a spectrum of colorful opportunities, such as moving to a new city to start a new life, jumpstarting a new career, or finding out how amazingly resilient you are.  But, the most promising opportunity is another chance to get love right.

*Fictional name